As promised, I’m back with Part II on orgasms. In the previous blog, I spoke a lot about normalizing differences in frequency (or lack thereof) of having orgasms in vagina-owners. If you haven’t read Part I or need a refresher, stop here, and go read it! I posed a few questions to ask yourself regarding your attempts to have an orgasm. One question surrounded incorporating assistance from toys and/or other sex aids.
Let me just say that toys are great. They can be used solo or with a partner(s). They can add new sensations that just don’t happen manually, orally, or with a penis. First off, no one was born with a vibrating penis, and some toys are designed to target places that are hard to reach. Also, some women prefer to have multiple sensations at once (through penetration and externally), which means that the whole orgasmic experience can feel different. Depending on the addition, they may encourage you to take on new personas in the bedroom. For example, being in control of a vibrator during sex may tap into a more empowered and dominant side during sex. Toys can encourage you and your partner to slow down and enjoy the teasing, fun, and experimentation that comes with sex. Shopping for toys can be an intimate bonding and foreplay experience. Whew! I could keep going about the wonders of sex toys. But they’re so great! Yet, there’s still a lot of stigma surrounding using toys and aids.
Many women seem to be on the fence about using toys. The biggest hang-up seems to be actually purchasing the toy. Going into an adult store can feel intimidating, embarrassing, and extremely bold. There could be concerns about who may see you buying sex stuff. There could also be concerns about items being very far out of your comfort zone. While these feelings are very normal, please be reminded that 1) If someone spots you buying sex stuff, they’re probably buying sex stuff too and 2) Any good adult store has a wide variety of toys and aids that fit your comfort zone. There should always be knowledgeable staff readily available to assist you in finding items within your comfort zone. Toni Kennedy and her crew at Enchantasy’s of Huntsville are a great choice if you’re in the Huntsville Area. There are also some online stores that can alleviate the discomfort of walking into an adult store. Www.adameve.com is the first to come to mind.
Another barrier to getting the help of a toy or stimulator is concerns about what a partner (usually male) may say or has said about bringing a toy into the bedroom. Now, let me get on my soapbox for a second. Ready for this, men? Ahem…A WOMAN’S ORGASM IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Yes, it feels good to know you contributed to that level of pleasure for her, but supporting her in finding what works for her, by any means necessary, could make sex more explosive for both of you. Instead of looking at that toy or stimulator as competition, view it as your partner. It will never replace you. So, create a safe space for her to explore her body (with and without you). Now, creating that safe space may take work. Be willing to talk openly with your partner about how incorporating toys in your sessions makes you feel. It might be necessary to bring in a therapist to help with this (i.e., me!).
Introducing toys either by yourself or with your partner(s) can be uncomfortable, but the benefits you may experience from stepping outside the box might feel more freeing than the initial discomfort. When self-doubt creeps in, always make communication your primary avenue.